Here’s the Letter From Iran That Obama Is Hiding

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From Conservative Tribune: This we all know, Barack Hussein Obama is the most transparent world leader since Rodney Goodpolitician of Transparentia, a man so transparent that you can see neither him nor his country on a map.

However, there are some things that even leaders whose opacity is set to 0 percent have to keep from their people.

For instance, letters you receive from the presidents of pariah states that are currently building a nuclear weapon in contravention of international law.

And if you’re currently appeasing conducting negotiations that you don’t want Congress to have any part in, you especially need to keep that stuff under wraps.

That’s how the president is treating the super-duper-secret letter he received from Iranian President Rouhani.

A couple of tweets from CBS correspondent Mark Knoller explained the situation (H/T Chicks on the Right):

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Yeah, that’s not at all sketchy.

We here at Conservative Tribune aren’t above speculation. We consulted several Middle Eastern analysts, who gave us their thoughts on the letters. These are the speculative translations we got.

Barack,

As the head of state of a nation that’s been illegally trying to pursue a nuclear weapon, I have long wanted to come into compliance with what the United Nations has demanded of me. However, as president of the great Islamic republic of Iran, I must impress on you that our religion comes first. Therefore, I must request a pause in negotiations and international monitoring for five years for the celebration of the special Muslim festival of, um, Ramalamadingdong.

Every century, the Quran states we must fast, pray and kick out foreign infidels with Geiger counters for a period of a half a decade. I hope to continue these productive discussions as soon as we develop a nuclear warhead and an ICBM Ramalamadingdong ends.

Sincerely yours,
President Rouhani

Or perhaps …

My dearest Valerie Jarrett,

It seems as if eons have passed since I’ve held you in my arms. I think about you night and day. I cannot wait until this unpleasantness with Congress is over so we can reveal our forbidden love to the world. One day, my love, we will be able to proclaim, “Death to America!” hand-in-hand together on the summit of Capitol Hill (that is a real mountain, right?) Until then, remember that I love you more than the 12th Imam.

Your love,
Hassan.
(P.S. — your idiot boss hasn’t caught on yet, I’m assuming?)

Other analysts, however, believe it to be more mundane:

Mr. Obama,

Enclosed is the bill for the seven ancient Persian rugs Mr. Biden defecated on during his last visit to the Iranian consulate in Switzerland. On future occasions, we would prefer him to be kept on his leash at all times.

Cordially yours,
President Rouhani.

I can’t wait to see what the actual contents of the letter are! However, I’m going to have to, because there’s zero chance of me seeing this thing, ever.

I guess that’s just how transparency works.

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